you and me! Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be… and the rest of the song you probably will remember going through the memory lane, if it’s new to you, here’s the song!
But this post isn’t about that song.
This post is about something I read earlier. I read a beautiful post, in all honesty from Beauty Beyond Bones’s blog. In her story PORN: A virgin’s perspective she writes exactly about that. From the whole post these lines caught my attention most:
“I’m going to be honest: knowing that my future husband will have most likely watched porn, it terrifies me. Not from a judgement standpoint. Or from a fearing-for-the-state-of-his-soul standpoint. But honestly…from the state of an insecure girl, fearing that I will never be “enough” for him.
How is a virgin supposed to compete with the fake boobed, fake lipped, butt implanted, false eyelashed, oiled up, plastically reconstructed, porn stars?” – Beauty Beyond Words
Then I was thinking about sex and porn from a male’s perspective, me in persona, and answer her question. I decided to write a whole post about it and not be one of the 450 comments on her blog as I think opinions matter and I’m not good with 3 lines. I need 300 of them!
Differences between men and women
By all means, I am the least expert on this! However, just type this subtitle in Google and you will have about 185.000.000 hits on the difference between the sexes! But I think we all can agree that in life we have experienced ourselves that in a similar situation men usually handle things differently than women and most of the time more rational based as we usually stereotype women being ’emotional’.
“Are you okay honey? Honey, all good?”
“Can’t you see! I’m FINE!!”
“Sigh…”
That.
Talking about sex with both men and women I tend to notice, also from own experience, that there is a huge difference between love and lust. Men are much better to flip a switch and purely have sex from lust. Women can do that too but experience it differently than men.
Men have the ‘need to release’. There is something in men but I don’t know how to put that on paper. It really feels like a physical and biological pressure that slowly is building up till a point that everything seems to be about getting the pressure off.
If the men is single without a female to have (casual) sex with then there always is the ‘self-help’ option.
However, that does not mean that men cannot show love and affection. Of course men can! Of course men can have the woman first. Of course men can show tenderness, love, affection, positive affirmation, and creating an atmosphere that feels awesome for both the man and woman. That’s no rocket science at all!
I believe that in every relationship a conversation about sex needs to be made. There needs to be a consent how to it make comfortable for both her and him.
Porn
However, in this male dominated world in which 50% of the world population are women, suddenly women are seen as a minority especially in almost all professions! Power imbalance is obvious.
The whole #metoo movement, all these coming outs, all of them revolve around power. Men somehow believe that they have the power over women. That they somehow think they have a justification somewhere to contact women inappropriately.
I think it is coming back to the point that it is easier for men to approach something, or someone in this case, without emotions and through dominance seeking control. Thereby being so-called ‘objective’ as they don’t take an emotional/moral stand to it.
As Beauty Beyond Words also wrote, porn is objectifying women. It is denying women to have their emotional space and freedom. It is men forcing women to look, act, and behave submissive towards men. I’m sure there also are tapes in which the woman is dominant, but, that’s also to satisfy that group of men.
Porn is a sneaky way for men to exercise control indirectly. It is looking at a fake fantasy in which the man imagines being in control over that woman on screen in that situation.
Porn is also taught. If there is no sexual education, if there is a lack of creating understanding, empathy, apathy, respect and falsifying the concept that men somehow are better/more dominant than women, then yes, boys will go to the easy way. Internet porn.
That will teach boys control, lust, and the fake idea that ejaculations are in mouths ‘facials’. I read somewhere that a big part of British teens believe that it supposed to be like that! Disgusting… They even invented a word for the only way of making babies ‘creampie’ sigh…. shaking head… I’m seriously wondering if they know at all how reproduction physically and biologically works!
Anyway, this exposure to power and a fake sense of how to have sex is alarming.
Attitudes
Porn can indeed be very addictive for a certain category of people. But that does not mean that all people, men and women alike, have the same attitude and addiction to porn.
Some men might watch it occasionally with the ‘self help’ when own imaginations runs out. Some couples might watch porn together for new ideas to adapt and try in their own lives. Some couples generally can have sex from lust as there is love and compassion surrounding them anyway.
I don’t believe that women in real life are competing with porn-‘stars’ by definition.
There are plenty of men who looked at porn, know what it is, and know that internet porn is not real life affection. After taking notice of it, they just let it be for what it is.
There are men who want control, and have the “decency” not to project that on their partners (if they have a partner) but use porn instead. There are also men who don’t have that “decency” and those men create violent situations for their partners!
There are couples not talking about sex and having a consent and for men porn is the easy way out. There are couples with different expectations towards sex. There are men not appreciating their partners a find it funny talking about porn with their peers. That’s actually cheating too!
There also are men who are addicted to porn, maybe in combination to the addiction to power, I don’t know. But from all men alive, I think this is only a small group of people.
50% of the global population is men and not all men have the same attitude towards sex, love and lust. There’s a huge diversity in attitudes as well.
Beauty Beyond Bones
I want to compliment you. For you honesty and for making the decision to be virgin till marriage. I was not and only now I actually realize how beautiful it really is to make that decision.
Keep your special moment for after marriage. No matter what. I believe that you have survived so many hardships and a terrible disease so that must be possible too.
You always will be good enough as I don’t believe that any man would wait having sex all the way till after marriage if sex from lust is that important for him. There are good men too. Also if they have seen porn in the past. You are not competing with boobs, butts, hair, bodies, and I-don’t-know-what.
You are competing with an ideology of power and mutual respect. You made your stand with your confidence to wait, no matter the insecurities you might feel. I see that as a sign that you don’t give in to that power men want to have and I compliment you for that.
At the right time you will meet the right man who will whisper in your ear. You will meet a man who will cherish you, who will respect you for who you are, believe in and stand for.
Once you hear him in your heart and soul, you feel his sincerity, you will find confidence in him, and then I believe that all your current fears and insecurities will be gone.
He will choose you because you already are and will be his only one forever. He will, unconditionally, choose you, all of you, because of who you are today, which is a result of your past.
Any man who does not is not for you. Not because you’re not good enough or you lost competition to porn stars but because he is not worth – you in your own right.
Daniel Arendzen 